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Synopses of Movies You’ve Seen

Kelley Irmen

Top Gun

Maverick had to play volleyball in jeans because he didn’t have a shirt. Chewing gum does not make the date run smoothly. Killing your best friend makes the date run smoothly. That just brought me a moment of sobriety. But like I said it wasn’t his fault. No more flybys. I never said it wasn’t his fault.

The Lost Boys

Being a vampire is somewhat like having a heroin addiction. That Rob Lowe poster which should exist – but does not – ruined my parents’ marriage. Windex may sometimes work as aftershave, but death by stereo is immediately relevant to my life. I’ve been waiting for that carnival where a saxophone player gyrates shirtless. Corey Haim and Corey Feldman ruined my parents’ marriage. The instant upon turning vampire = charcoal eyeliner on your lower lid. Leaders can turn rice into maggots.

Dirty Dancing

This is VHS. Kellerman’s – I thought she said Kalamazoo. Do you want a job here, Baby? A nose job? Her red dress signifies impending abortion. It’s ok, Johnny’s here. You put your pickle on everybody’s plate. Patrick Swayze is poetic. Lisa is moistened. Johnny Castle has lovely hair. His penis is leading him (I carried a watermelon); his penis keeps hitting Jennifer Grey. Trying on wigs is an activity. Pregnancy makes you curl up in freezers. Go back to your playpen, Baby. 1, 2, 3, 4. 1, 2, 3, 4. We enjoy her Keds. Johnny’s good at counting. Everybody will eventually get Swayzied. Gagonk, gagonk, gagonk. Spaghetti arms. Lock your frame. Gagonk. He is oiled. Jennifer Grey is ticklish and Johnny Castle is exasperated. This is the song trees play in the woods. It’s ok, Johnny’s here. The best place to practice lifts is in the water – so put white pants on. It’s ok, Johnny’s here. Take that stuff off your face before your mother sees you. Daddy, that’s my nose. Baby’s getting Swayzied. The reason people treat me like nothin’ is because I am nothin’. Get her tiger. Swayze has a medical alert bracelet. Leaves fall, girls become silhouettes. Johnny’s summer bonus is Baby’s hymen. Swayze’s gonna turn his car around because he can sense when Baby’s in a corner. Patrick Swayze’s two fingers are the strongest fingers in the world.

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